the impressive thing here is that our break up wasn’t usual. it wasn’t a huge flame out break up. we didn’t fight. in fact, both of us maintained our composure. until you broke down later, and i followed too. but the thing is we still say that we love each other. because we do. we love each other, just not in the way that we once were. it’s so complicated with you, honestly. it’s not a bad thing, but i realise that’s what’s making you you, and you’re… well that’s just amazing because it just proves my conjecture that you’re one in a fucking million. i don’t know where i can find someone else as perfect and unique as you. this whole break up thing is rather amusing, but i know that sooner or later, somehow, we won’t snuggle everyday, and we might even forget to say i love you anymore. i hope that day never comes, because i realise that when you’re gone, things seem to wrong. i wish everything could stop but everything has to go on regardless of how empty you feel. i don’t know what i’m gonna do tonight, all alone in my room without you. no-one to text at 10 saying “i’m ready whenever you are.” i know, one day, all of this is gonna disappear. i just hope we can enjoy all the time we have now until that day comes.

the second thing was that i realise what i have only when what i have’s gone. you’re gone temporarily of course, but yet. i know no-one else will like me the way you do, i know that no-one will ever see me the way you do. i don’t know, i have this nagging feeling at the back of my head that i’m not really all that special in the grand scheme of things, just special in your life. but you’ve made me feel so special that i feel like i’m in truth what you tell me i am. which i don’t know… i’m not like that in the eyes of others. whatever it is, for changing my life. you’re amazing. thank you, you.

for once, i realise, this post isn’t riddled with painful memories.

“(don’t stop till you see my full name.)

Hi. My name is Arjun, and two years ago, I was the loneliest guy in the world. I used to spend nights alone in my room without anyone to talk to, or anyone to confide in. In all honesty, my nights were spent alone, and I kept all my things to myself. I was rotten, emo, and I couldn’t stop hating myself more than I hated anyone or anything in this world. I thought I was a gone case with every girl I failed with, every girl who just left me hanging because I didn’t seem capable, or because I wasn’t their type, and all that. Like it or not, I was just imperfect beyond words, I recognized it, and I lived with it.

Then I met this girl.

This girl, she was special. You couldn’t say anything about her because she was just unpredictable. It looked like common sense then, but it was far from it to me, in all honesty. She was so unique, she stood out from the rest, and she was honestly the prettiest girl I had seen in that room. (Later, I realized that she was the prettiest in the world. I couldn’t find anyone whom I found prettier than her.) I wanted to impress her, I wanted to see what she thought of me. I thought I didn’t stand a chance, because I really thought she was so attractive, that she probably had a boyfriend already. I tried until I found out, and I was… fucking elated to find out that this girl was single. I tried.

I got her.

She was the most amazing thing, and she taught me all the things I’ll never know about love. About the small things. Hanging out. Loving each other. The value of the world “love”. I completely changed. From the moment this girl told me that she’d be mine, I made a resolution to treat her like she was the most amazing girl in the world. I found that she actually was- I wasn’t wrong. I wanted to treat this girl so well that she’d love it. I wanted her to have a guy whom she could be proud of, someone whom she’d wear on her arm and tell everyone, one day: “this is my husband, Arjun.”

Things weren’t smooth. No relationship ever is. But this girl, she’s the world to me. (yes, we’re still together, and she’s still by my side whenever I need her.) but all the rough patches we went through only strengthened my love for her. I was wiling to do anything for this hot girl to make her happy, and to see that pretty smile on her face. I wanted to do that every second of the day, everyday, all day, until I die. I never wanted her to shed a tear, I never wanted her heart to break, I just wanted her to be happy. I tried. I failed. I felt bad. So bad. I still try. I never stop trying. Happiness is underrated. She had this amazing smile, that melted every part of me when I saw it. She had this laugh, ever so cute and sexy that I fell in love with. She had this aura which I just felt at home with. Until today, one of the most loving, comfortable places I’ve been in my life is with her head lying on my chest, her hearing my heartbeat while I stroke her hair. No partying, no drinks, no music, no words. No romantic roses, candlelit dinner, or anything of the sort. Just me, her, a bed, and silence.

I’ve never felt that connected with anyone else in this world.

See… this girl’s name is Kimberly Anne Tan.

She’s the love of my life and I hate to see her hurt, or sad. I hate to see her get wronged for no reason, and I hate to see her doubt herself, or her body. I love every part of her. She met this guy called Zen. Zen was mean. Oh, he was so mean. He made her feel like crap, and today, especially, he just hurt my world and tore her to bits. To the point where she didn’t want to talk. The best part? She didn’t do anything to this guy. I feel like punching a hole in his face. I feel like tearing his eyeballs out and screaming in his ear that he should learn how to treat a lady. He’s a bastard and I want to kill him.

I don’t want her world and his world to collide every again, because he makes her feel imperfect when she’s perfect beyond measure. She’s special, and she doesn’t see it as clearly as I do. I want her to know that she’s special. That she’s the most special girl in the world to me, and that I’ve always got her back. That she’s perfect, in terms of looks, character, absolutely everything. My heart rate spikes whenever I hear or say her name, and it slows to a snail’s pace and threatens to stop when her heart is in pieces… 99.9% of my heart’s with her, what. I want her to know that I’d never let her go, and that I’d do anything for her.

I just want her to know that she’s special. No, not just special. Special more than anything. She’s the reason why a human being finds the strength to take on the shit that he finds in his life. She’s the reason I’m here. She’s perfect and absolutely everything I could ask for.

Everyday, I pray for her. That she should have a good day. That one day, she’d love herself. That one day, I’d be good enough for her. That one day, I’d be someone whom she could be proud of, because I’ve been proud of her since she became mine.

I love her so much. No, even you don’t know how much I love her.

–

Arjun Jayaraman”

that was written for you. i’m sorry that it didn’t mean much. but if you ever want to know what you mean to me and how much i love you and how much i want you to be happy, i guess this could be your first one stop shop.

I’m not special.
I’m not anyone of note.
I’m normal.
I’m weird.
I’m just like everyone else.
I’m disappointed in myself. But let me tell you something. Let me say what my heart wants to say to you right now.

I’m sorry. I really don’t know how ice changed over the past few days. Inherently, I’m still the same. I still care the same, I want you the same, and I love you the same. I honestly haven’t lost anything for you, of you, because of you. It’s all burning as bright as how we were after our first month, if not more.

I’m banking on begging you.

And in all honesty, I don’t want to change. Whatever I changed from, I want to go back. I don’t want this. I want something different. I want to be perfect.

I’m about to tear in math.

I just wish things could be different between us. I wish I was different. I wish I was normal. I wish I could stop being so weird. I wish that you’d see me as special again. I really wish you’d love me again.

what did i do to be ever so lucky to get a girl that would never leave me? i’m honestly the luckiest guy in the world, and i know it. today, not even God can stop me from honoring my promises to you. y’know what they say about love. when it’s true, nothing can stop you.

then you came along and taught me all i know about looks. all our arguments and discussions about looks can’t be summarized in 1 post, and i don’t intend to start it on this one. it just came to my mind that i should be posting about it… sometime soon.

i just want to get something straight in this post.

whenever you got mad at me, i always apologized. even if it wasn’t my fault or someone else’s fault, i always apologized. i didn’t want to fight. you always said we had a limited time together. why would i have wanted to spend that limited time angry with my girl? and you always said i’m not apologizing for what i said (when it WAS my fault) or what i did, but because you got mad and that i’m scared of our relationship being so fragile. hell, from the time that you told me that it was like being your blood brother, i’ve always been scared that something and anything would be bad enough for you to sever all ties with me. i never, never, ever want that to happen.

you could break up with me any day, any time, dear. the worries will always remain because it isn’t the title that’s making me magically love you. when it’s all stripped down to raw emotion, a name doesn’t stand for shit. just because we’re in a “relationship” doesn’t mean i can’t be worried, sad, happy about you, to you. the emotion is love and i’m happy that i’m in love with you. you could break up with me, and my worries will remain. my emotions will remain. my love will remain.

this is exactly why i love you so much. you’re just so different. instead of just calling people bitches off the hook, you really give 6 or 7 chances to people before you title them. you don’t judge people that often, and you don’t like titling a lot of things.

sigh, call me blind, but it’s perfection. it’s a tenet of your perfection. you value relationships so much that well, you got me impressed at the first moment i realized how you live your life around you.

girl, you’re so perfect.

we had those days where i was honestly perplexed about your behavior to the maximum. i really, really didn’t know what you were thinking. i guess i do now, but it would’ve hurt less if i knew then. i honestly spent much of my nights thinking about what you were thinking, and i was trying to read you and figure out, in all honesty, the reasons for you doing certain things.

i realized that i was looking at us like an item. but you didn’t. i realized that you saw us in a different way because of things and circumstances… pending which everything you said, and everything you did made complete sense to me. our relationship is unique, definitely. it’s not your everyday teen relationship where you get together, say you love each other, and break up over a small thing like “he sleeps too much.”

it’s going to take something big to take me away from you.

girl, you got me in a fix.

#nowplaying- If I Leave by A Day To Remember

i’ve always had these insecure moments, where i’d just be lost for words about everything around me. all i’d have in my mind was you, and level for which i missed you would go up, exponentially. i’d realise how much i actually missed you, how sorry i felt for wronging you, and i usually spent that time curled up on my bed just thinking and wishing that you were with me. i know, rather obsessive and rather weird. but well, that was just who i was.

i’ve learned that if you feel for something strong enough, it’d get ingrained into your heart and head easily enough if you let. then things will get registered in your sub-conscious. then you start doing things which are just second nature to you, and then you realise that with every small thing that you do, you’re showing a bit of love. and you know that you’ve unconsciously shown love. and when you do that, you know that you love that person you’re doing everything for with all your heart.

you really, really, really don’t know how much i really do love you.

i was never, ever angry. not even once did i seriously consider leaving you in these past 13 months, and i never will consider it. i’ve decided to try really hard to stick to my promise, that promise that i’ll never, ever leave you, no matter what. this is just the first pebble- i forsee many more boulders to come.

i’d honestly just take anything and everything for you. i’ve realised that all i could want in a girl is in you. all i could need in a girl is in you. i just want to stay because you’re my idea of perfect. you’re my idea of all i want, and so much more.

i know you haven’t hypnotized me, and i’m sure as hell not crazy, but all i say is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. i can never ever be truly angry or annoyed at you.

i guess it comes with the love.

and i love you.